בס"ד

The Talmud teaches us lessons about every aspect of life. In this short essay we will discuss some of the statements of the Talmud that help us build our family life in accordance with Hashem’s plan. We selected 22 quotes from all over the Talmud (corresponding to the 22 letters of Hebrew Alphabet). Some of these statements directly apply to family life; others concern additional situations but can be used to understand women and married life. This article is intended for men who are either married or will soon be getting married. Many of the statements here will not be new to the reader, but reviewing them and putting them into practice can be very beneficial to almost everybody. We divided the statements into three groups as follows:

General statements about women:

1. A woman was given greater understanding (Binah) (Nidah 45b).

2. Women are a nation in their own right (Shabbos 62a).

Statements about one’s relationship with one’s wife.

3. If one deserves, his wife helps him; if not – she opposes him (Yevamos 63a).

4. It’s enough that our wives take care of our children and save us from sinning (Yevamos 63a).

5. The one who has a good wife is well all his days, while the one with a bad wife is constantly suffering (Bava Basra 145b).

6. After one got married they ask him: “Did you find or are you finding? Meaning: “Did you find a good wife or are you “finding” a bad one”? (Brochos 8a).

7. Most women say to their husbands: “Please divorce me” (Yevamos 116a).

Advice on how to treat one’s wife

8. Honor you wife and you will be rich (Bava Metzia 59a).

9. One should always be careful not to offend his wife, lest she starts crying, for women are easily brought to tears (Bava Metzia 59a).

10. Love overrides considerations of importance, and so does hatred (Sanhedrin 105b).

11. When our love was strong, we could sleep on the edge of a sword; now we don’t fit even on a large bed (Sanhedrin 7a).

12. One should take his wife’s advice in worldly matters and in matters of the household (Bava Metzia 59a).

13. One should not exercise excessive anger in his household (Gittin 6b).

14. Don’t be angry so you will not sin (Brachos 29b).

15. Whoever gets angry is ruled by the forces of Gehinom. (Nedarim 22a).

16. One should not have too many “friends” around his household (Yevamos 63a).

17. Idleness causes madness (Kesubos 59b).

18. One should not enter his house without warning (Nidah 16b).

19. One should always have sustenance since lack of financial means causes quarrels (Bava Metzia 59a).

20. Most daughters-in-law dislike their mothers-in-law (Yevamos 117a)

21. A woman does not have to serve her father-in-law (Kesubos 61b).

22. Let one spend more than he can afford in order to provide for his wife and children (Chulin 84b).

We will now present a short commentary to each of these statements.

1. A woman was given greater understanding (binah) (Nidah 45b). 2. Women are a nation in their own right (Shabbos 62a). This is a very important principle to be known by anyone about to get married. Most men expect their wives to be like themselves, to have similar interests, similar goals, similar reactions to things, thinking patterns etc. This is simply not the case. Men and women are totally different. These differences become apparent in early childhood and continue throughout life. Women think differently than men do. In some ways, women have advantages (greater understanding), in other ways – disadvantages. In all cases, the husband has to be sensitive to what his wife wants, even if he considers it totally unimportant. Often arguments erupt due to very simple misunderstandings. A woman might want to have certain expensive and beautiful furniture or dishes, while her husband simply does not want to “waste” money on it. You would not believe how many divorces happen because of such petty arguments. Many husbands think that they could do better by marrying someone else who is not as “steeped into materialism”. They should know that most women love nice things. This is deeply rooted in the very spiritual makeup of their souls; see Igros Pischei Chochma Vadaas by RAMCHAL, letter #51.

Statements about the relationship with one’s wife.

3. If one deserves, his wife helps him; if not – she opposes him (Yevamos 63a).

A lot of times the reason we are struggling in our relationship with our wives is because we ourselves don’t deserve to have shalom bayis – peace at home. We rarely find that great rabbis have major problems with their wives. Why is it that their “second halves” seem to listen to them and follow them in everything? Maybe by improving ourselves, we can greatly improve our wives and the way they treat us as well! It is also possible that when we improve ourselves, we will feel much less need to improve our wives!

4. It’s enough that our wives take care of our children and save us from sinning (Yevamos 63a).

A lot of arguments come from great expectations that were not fulfilled. If one is starting a marriage with the idea that now all the problems will be over he will be terribly disappointed. Many people getting married expect to find an obedient and friendly person always at their side, supporting them in everything and fulfilling all their whims. Such expectations usually lead to frustration. However, if one considers it sufficient that marriage will solve only two problems then he will not be disillusioned later. After marriage he will have a much easier time avoiding illicit thoughts, since he will have a wife, and the intimate relations with her are not only permitted but even a mitzvah. He will also hopefully have kids, and his wife will take a larger share in their upbringing. It’s enough that these two extremely important issues will be resolved once he is married.

5. The one who has a good wife has goodness all his days, while the one with a bad wife is constantly suffering (Bava Basra 145b).

The importance of a good marriage can hardly be overestimated. If one has shalom bayis, all other problems can be dealt with; everything else depends on it. This emphasizes the great importance of making the maximum effort to have a good relationship with one’s wife.

6. After one got married they asked him: “Did you find or are you finding? In other words, did you find a good wife or are you “finding” a bad one? (Brochos 8a).

The GR”A explains that we usually remember the bad a lot longer than we notice the good. That is why, a good wife was “found” i.e. in the past; we only appreciated it for a short time. However, the problems caused by a bad wife are constantly reminding us of our misery. This is why she is constantly being “found”. Now, our goal is to change our nature and appreciate the good! Those who are happily married should constantly remind themselves about how wonderful it is and be thankful to Hashem.

7. Most women say to their husbands: “Please divorce me” (Yevamos 116a).

A lot of times the newly married husband finds his wife asking him to divorce her. One should realize that many times she does not mean that. We are certainly not claiming that a wife is permitted to mention divorce; in truth she is hurting her husband terribly. In fact the word divorce should be a forbidden word in the couple’s vocabulary (R. Avigdor Miller ZT”L). All we are saying is that if the wife did use this word, it is usually an exaggeration and she does not mean it. The worst thing a husband can do now is to pretend that he is in fact considering divorcing her; he will make a scar that will never be fixed.

Advice on how to treat one’s wife

8. Honor you wife and you will be rich (Bava Metzia 59a).

There is a mystical meaning in this statement and can be understood better by those who have some background in Kabbalah (see our articles 10centuriesenglish.htm and Sevenblessings.htm). The women spiritually are attached to the left side of Divine rule over the universe. This is also the side from which sustenance and richness comes. Hence another statement in the Talmud: “Whoever wants to get rich, let him concentrate on the left side during prayer”.

9. One should always be careful not to offend his wife, lest she starts crying, for women are easily brought to tears (Bava Metzia 59a).

This is extremely important. In fact, the Torah’s prohibition against offending others depends on how easily offended they are (Questions and Answers Chayey Halevi). This means that we have to be extra careful when talking to a person who is easily offended. There is no excuse in saying that this is his fault, let him not get upset over trifles. In general, it is a lot easier to bring women to tears than men. The one that does that even once is committing a terrible misdeed. In a family one can end up doing this many times, even on daily basis. After death he will have to answer for each and every time he had hurt wife for no reason.

10. Love overrides considerations of importance, and so does hatred (Sanhedrin 105b). 11. When our love was strong, we could sleep on the edge of a sword, now we don’t fit even on a large bed (Sanhedrin 7a).

There is a known expression: “Love is blind”. If we love someone, we are willing to overlook a lot in that person. It is thus important to develop and nurture our love towards our spouses; this will make it a lot easier to overlook their bad qualities. We need to also tell our spouses about our love and affection. Even small presents with notes attached can be very important.

12. One should take his wife’s advice in worldly matters and in the matters of household (Bava Metzia 59a).

The house often becomes one of the most important places the wife puts her effort into. The Talmud tells us that Rabbi Yossi used to call his wife “my house” (Shabbos 118). The way things look in the apartment, how clean it is and how nicely the furniture is arranged often doesn’t matter at all to the husband but are extremely important to the wife. The husband has to always consider her wishes. She puts a lot of effort into the house and therefore she loves it a lot more. We already mentioned this idea in the beginning.

13. One should not use excessive anger in his household (Gitin 6b). 14. Don’t be angry so you will not sin (Berachos 29b). 15. Whoever gets angry is ruled by all the levels of Gehinom (Nedarim 22a).

Our sages emphasized more than once that anger is one of the most destructive traits. An angry person makes a fool out of himself, accomplishes nothing and upsets those around him. Many physical illnesses also result from anger (see Talmud, Kedushin 41a). According to Kaballah, the one that gets angry cuts off his connection to the Soul from Kedushah (holiness), and gets instead an unclean spirit. If one did get angry, he should at least follow an important principle: nobody should know that we were angry. The best advice is to delay one’s reaction to any irritation until his anger subsides somewhat.

16. One should not have too many “friends” around his household (Yevamos 63a).

This is talking about people who like to have their friends stick around the household and are permitted to use the house as if it was their own. Now, hospitality is indeed one of the most important mitzvos, however the guests should still be guests and their relationship with our spouses should be that of guests to hostess, not more than that. The problem that sometimes develops when people don’t follow the above advice is that their friends or business partners become friends of their wife as well (see Talmud, Sanhedrin, 86 and Rashi’s commentary there). With time this can lead to the worst unexpected consequences. Nobody thinks that in the religious community an Orthodox man will commit adultery with an Orthodox woman, but there have been even such extreme cases, showing once again how right our sages were. In general, it is proper for men to have male friends and for women to have female friends, and even though it’s normal for a woman to spend time with her father, brothers and immediate family, socializing with other men it totally inappropriate (Talmud, Gitin 90).

17. Being idle causes madness (Kesubos 59b).

This is a very important principle that applies to different people differently. In our day, we hear a lot about women who want to have a job outside the house. Many of the women who sit home with children all day feel sad and find it depressing. One of causes of this problem is the fact that the modern technology made it possible for people to spend a lot less time taking care of their basic needs (cooking, laundering, cleaning, etc). In such a case it may be proper for a woman to get a job outside the house, as long as this job does not compromise any principles of modesty, or any other laws of the Torah. Certainly, each case has to be discussed with a Rabbi who is aware of the situation in that particular family.

18. One should not enter his house without warning (Nidah 16b).

This is certainly true about other people’s homes, but even when entering one’s own house, we should first ring a bell or knock. This way we often avoid several problems and give our wife a warning to prepare for our entrance.

19. One should always have sustenance, for lack of financial means causes quarrels (Bava Mitzia 59a).

This is very well known from experience: once financial problems appear, shalom bayis problems also appear. There are some kollel men who were planning to learn Torah for many years when they got married. However, the financial situation may dictate that they need to work to support their growing families. This is part of the commitment made at the time of marriage “I will work” as written in the Kesubah. An obligation of a husband is to support his wife and family according to what is customary in that community among people of his means. All these laws are described in Shulchan Aruch and are obligatory on everyone (Even Haezer 73, see also 70:3 in REMA and commentaries of TAZ, BASH and Chelkas Mechokek).

20. A daughter-in-law usually dislikes her mother-in-law (Yevamos 117a) 21. A woman does not have to serve her father-in-law (Kesubos 61b).

One of the most common causes of family strife is without doubt the “in-laws”. Many times the husband takes his mother’s side and thinks that his wife is inconsiderate and not able to make his mommy happy. He should therefore know that by default, the relations of a daughter-in-law with her mother-in-law are quite strained. There are some lucky exclusions but this is unfortunately the default. Similarly the wife does not have to serve her father-in-law. Contrary to the expectations in many families (particularly among Sephardim), the obligation to serve his parents is on the husband, not on his wife. In general, one needs to exercise a lot of diplomacy but under no circumstances should he ruin his relationship with his wife because of his parents. One of the first statements of the Torah regarding a married couple is that a man should leave his father and mother in order to cling to his wife.

22. Let one spend more than he can afford in order to provide for his wife and children (Chulin 84b).

This is another example of the special sensitivity we should use to make the wife happy. If we are trying to save, we should save on our needs rather than the needs of our families. Often the man is not willing to spend less himself (he can be wasting money on cigarettes, and other useless items that bring nothing good) while demanding the wife to give a full account of her spending and criticizing her for buying a new dress. This approach is exactly the opposite of what our sages teach.